I woke up this morning with a bout of sadness and self-pity. My husband had made plans to go fishing with a friend and never bothered to even tell me. Not that he and I ever do anything together, but it just made me feel that much more hopelessly and endlessly alone. I had a pity party because I had no friends to do anything with me. I just cried and cried in my bathroom.
Then I tried to follow my own advice. “Is God good?” Yes, He is good, which means that He still has a good purpose and plan for my life. Therefore, today is just an uncomfortable hole in the road for me, not my resting place. The heart-wrenching fear that every day will be like this, that leads to debilitating hopelessness that can bring on full blown depression, cannot grasp me in it’s grip as long as I keep long distance perspective. The fact that this day APPEARS like it will never end, and that time is standing still, does not mean that it is the truth. This day too will pass, and tomorrow is another opportunity to experience God’s goodness in another way.
The hard part is that I’m used to wanting that goodness to manifest itself in some way that will satisfy my carnal nature. I want to feel happy in my flesh. Here it is, 80 degrees with a light breeze and a beautiful sunny day, and I am still not happy. I’m tormented by what I don’t have instead of being able to enjoy what I do have this day, which is a friend or group of people to whom I can feel like I belong and am welcomed, who want my company.
Still, I made the conscious decision to make myself a lunch with food on my fast, sit by the pond in our front yard with my bathing suit on, and study scripture and my Bible college lesson. I don’t physically feel happy, but I don’t feel bad either. I can get through this day and survive to live another because God is good, and this is just a stop along the way in His plan to prosper me and give me a good future. My flesh is just detoxing from me withholding food and other activities to drown out my feelings, but I guess that is the reason for this fast.
Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find people to be around and do something with me. Maybe tomorrow God will reveal something to me about His purpose for my life. Hopelessness is just the stupid belief that every day will be like today, but we all know that nothing ever stays completely the same. I have to keep believing that tomorrow will be better than today in some way, and that He will one day give me the desires of my heart, to do something of purpose for His kingdom, and to be surrounded with people who love me and want to be around me as my friends.