How many of us, when we are berating ourselves for doing something wrong, say to ourselves, “I am so stupid!  Why did I do that?”  Do you know that if you talk to yourself in the third person (“Penny”), you will have a tendency to speak more kindly to yourself?  This little change can have a positive effect on how you see and treat yourself.

Scientific studies have been done that show how people who spoke to themselves in the first person were harder on themselves, focusing on the negative.  People who spoke to themselves as “you” or by their own name were kinder, more encouraging and supportive, and were able to complete tasks under pressure.  Using the third person can give you some visual distance, like watching yourself as a fly on the wall, and personally, I think it allows you to talk to yourself in a more socially acceptable way, like you are talking to someone else. You would rarely say to others some of the things you might say to yourself.

This is especially true with very strong emotions.  We experience a gut level emotion, and we have certain feelings associated with that emotion. If we can step back and talk to ourselves as an outside observer, we can think through what we are feeling and explain logically what is actually going on and receive that explanation much better in the third person.  This is the technique I use during the “Step Back” part of the RESET process.  I talk to myself and address myself by my first name.  When I invite Jesus to come into the situation, He always uses my first name, too.

Self-talk starts out in children, as they walk through tasks they are learning. In the beginning, an adult is saying aloud to the child the steps of learning a new process. Afterward, the child will talk himself through the steps. At first, they talk out loud, but as they mature, their talk becomes internal and silent.

When I am working on a task and I think that I will forget something, I will say out loud the things I want to remember.  If I need to keep track of which step I am working while going through a multi-step task, I will speak the process out loud. If I am struggling with a conflict I would like to resolve with someone, but am afraid of their response (or am not confident of my position), I will have that conversation out loud with them in the bathroom mirror.  Self talk helps us clarify what we are experiencing, what we are feeling and what we are thinking.

I was painting the trim in a bedroom while standing on a ladder. I had to continually get down and move the ladder.  For the first few times, I kept forgetting that I had that open container of paint at the top of the ladder with a paint brush precariously settled at the top of it.  Just before it would tip over, I would remember it was there, but by the 4th time, I was pretty disgusted with myself, and wanted to call myself some rather nasty names for being so “stupid”.

Instead, whenever I descended the ladder, I started saying aloud (I was alone in the room), “There is a paint can at the top of the ladder. There is a paint can at the top of the ladder.”  I did that until I climbed back up the ladder.  That did several positive things for me.

First of all, I directed my statements toward the solution to the problem instead of attacking myself personally. I didn’t focus on what I did or might do wrong, which would accomplish nothing but distract me and lead me to fail.  Instead, my self-talk helped me to find a solution to the potential problem and do my task more effectively.

But what I believe to be even more important is that my self-talk calmed me down.  Each time I had forgotten that the paint was on the top of the ladder, I became more afraid I would spill the paint, which was a distraction.  By talking myself calmly through the steps necessary to be successful at the task, I felt more confident that I would do it correctly and avoid disaster.  The emotional side effect was that the nervousness and aggravation subsided. The situational side effect was that no paint was spilled.

Experiments with people who habitually worried showed that self talk using their own name was the only thing that calmed them down.  Scans showed that their brain activity actually physically changed and they became less anxious.  Using our name actually turns on and off a type of switch in our brain which receives messages either from ourselves or someone else. We obviously respond better when we hear it as if from someone else.

Hearing positive, encouraging self-talk helps us efficiently complete tasks and reduce anxiety, while negative, critical self talk can actually cause us to fail and fall into a a cycle of destructive emotions. Try performing a task and telling yourself you’ll never be able to do it.  It is like pushing a boulder uphill.  However, if you tell yourself, “Penny, you can do this. You are smart and efficient.” it is like someone removing a heavy backpack from you, and gives you the motivation to keep moving forward.

Remember that speaking to yourself and addressing yourself by your name will help provide the psychological distance that allows you to keep perspective and see more realistic options than when you say the word  “I” from an immersed point of view.  People give better counsel when they are speaking to someone else, which is what is accomplished by talking to yourself in the third person.  So allow yourself to counsel yourself more often.

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. When you talk to yourself, do you use the word “I”, or do you address yourself by name or “you”?  Start talking to yourself in the third person.
2. Take offensive action.  Start intentionally speaking positive, biblical statements to yourself every day. Make sure you say your name and encourage yourself as you would do with someone else.