In Proverbs 23:7, the scripture that says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.”  That means that what you are thinking will determine how you act, for better or for worse. That means we have to take into account every negative thought we think about ourselves and others.

Toxic self talk comes in many different flavors, most of which are extreme.  Toxic self-talk is rarely based on reality, because reality exists somewhere in the gray, where things aren’t all good or all bad, and where we really can’t be sure of what is happening because we can’t always trust our eyes, ears, mind or heart.  That is where we must put 2 Corinthians 10:5 into action:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

See if you can recognize yourself in any of these categories of toxic self talk.

1. All or Nothing Thinking:  Either you get it all right, or you and it are all wrong. There is no wiggle room for mistakes, and every error is a direct hit to your ego and your self-worth.  Criticism is death to us, and we avoid it at all costs.Eating and exercising would be a perfect example of this in my life.  If I didn’t maintain my high standard of exercising an hour a day 5 days a week,  never eating oil, sugar or salt and only eating unfried whole foods, I was a loser.

   There was no in between, so if I messed up and didn’t keep my own rules for myself (“what kind of loser makes rules for themselves they can’t keep?” would be my thinking), I would just give up.    I have since learned moderation and flexibility in my thinking, exercising and eating, and to be more kind to myself about it all.

2.  Mental Filter:  You decide beforehand how you are going to see things. For example, I used to get up in the morning in high school, and if the first thing that happened was good, I “knew” I was going to have a good day.  If it was bad, it was going to be a bad day.  Whichever I selected, I was right, because I ignored the things that didn’t fit in with my chosen attitude of the day.  (You will find that is true for every attitude – don’t confuse me with the facts, I’ve already made up my mind.)
3. Emotional Reasoning: Assuming that everything you think or feel must be accurate and real.  That will kill us every time, because statistics say that only 25% of eye witnesses ever accurately recount an event. We can’t really trust what we see, because our brain fills in the blanks with what it already knows from prior experiences and thinks should be there.   Sometimes we don’t pay attention, and don’t really hear what is said, or sometimes we don’t have enough world experience or teaching to understand what something really means.
4. Should Statements: The first time I heard a woman say “Don’t should on me!”, it sounded much like the other saying about not “pooping” on me. It caught my attention that way.  But when I realized what she was truly saying, it caught even more of my attention.  Where do we get our thoughts about what should and should not be done?  Our parents, the media, friends, society, what our inborn temperament tells us – or God?  What is our standard for it?  We need to know this, because we spend a lot of time judging ourselves and others according to that standard.

I believe “Should” statements are the result of the first three items in this list.  We see things as black and white, then determine to see the world in a way that it always confirms our current attitude of the week, then unflinchingly trust whatever thoughts come into our minds as if they couldn’t possibly be wrong.  So if we think it couldn’t be any other way, it is something we and others should be doing.

I believe that one of the most powerful truths we can learn is that life is not lived in the extremes.  People are rarely all good or all bad.  if we are seeing them that way, then we are deceived, and probably are choosing to see them that way in order to fulfill a need within us.

One of the most interesting things my mother ever said to me when I met my husband, after telling her good things about him, was to ask me what were some bad things about him. Looking back, I think that was an excellent question to ask me, to make sure I hadn’t made him out to be some type of superman.  I had a historical habit of blocking out the things that were wrong with the men in my life just so I could have someone to “love” me.

I encourage you to challenge your view of people and situations,when you are thinking extreme, unbalanced thoughts.  It you are fantasizing about how wonderful a love interest is, cool it down by reminding yourself of their negative qualities.  If you are angry at someone and demonizing them by creating a devilish caricature in your mind, stop and think of their good points so you can bring your thoughts back to reality.

The same thing applies to the negative things you speak about yourself.  If you are feeling down on yourself, your appearance, worth, future, then do your best to list the good things about your appearance, worth and future.  If required, get a positive friend or family member to point them out.  Balance and flexibility go a long way to preventing toxic self talk.

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. What negative things do you find yourself speaking about yourself?  How do you physically feel after you start speaking or thinking it?
2. Write down the things that you consider negative in your life.  Then write down anything positive you can think of in regard to that area.  Try to get a balanced, realistic view of the situation or person to eliminate fantasy and caricatures.