Trying To Be Nice To Myself

Sometimes I just need to be nice to myself. I need to treat myself like I would treat my daughter. I’ve always liked to do things for my daughter, buy nice things for her (if I could afford it), build her up and make her feel good about herself.  I need to do the same things for myself.

Today I bit the bullet and bought some very light shirts I could wear alone, or over tank tops, to work – because I am always so hot, and it is 94 degrees here.  I had to push myself to do it, and wouldn’t let myself spend much money.  Three $9 shirts at Walmart I could do, and a $12.50 shirt and $15.00 coverup online I could so. I AGONIZED, however, over the $27.00 cover.  It’s not that I don’t have the money now, it’s that I truly feel I DON’T DESERVE IT.

I don’t believe I deserve any nice clothes until I’m thin. Period. And I can’t seem to change that outlook. I see other overweight women, and they dress up nicely. I don’t know how they do it. Doesn’t it bother them that they are overweight? I marvel at them, and how they just go right on through life not being bothered by their weight.  They have the audacity to just keep on going, and dressing nice as well. This is a mystery to me.

I wish I was one of those women.  I want to look nicer, but I feel like people would say, “Who is she fooling?  No matter what she wears, she is still fat!”.  But I know that is just ME saying that, projecting it onto other people.

I think Queen Latifah is BEAUTIFUL. Why can’t I act and feel beautiful, too? What is messing up my mind so badly? Is it comments and actions from my past (family members saying what a shame, and boys either making fun of me or simply ignoring me) that I am replaying, or are these just my own thoughts and beliefs?

I don’t know what to do about it. I know I am giving in to the lies of the enemy, as well as the media’s shameless demand that everyone be just short of emaciated, but I can’t see beyond my WIDTH. I don’t have any answers today – just sharing how I am feeling. I’ll let you know if dressing nicer makes me feel any better…

Penny Haynes

I Am Not Content – I Am Fat

1Ti 6:6-8
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain: 7 for we brought nothing into the world, for neither can we carry anything out; 8 but having food and covering we shall be therewith content.

Phi 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therein to be content. 12 I know how to be abased, and I know also how to abound: in everything and in all things have I learned the secret both to be filled and to be hungry, both to abound and to be in want. 13 I can do all things in him that strengtheneth me.

It is a gray day today, a day when I finally had the guts to step on the scale and see what 3 weeks of binging on the weekends has done to me. My hard fought for size 16s are getting too right, and I don’t want to have to buy bigger clothes again. My knees are hurting, but I need to go to the gym to get this lately added weight off, since I am afraid to go and swim in the lake after my snake scare.

It is very hard to be content today, when I feel bloated and fat, and I know I must pay for my food sins with eating only raw vegetable and exercising on knees that hurt. I have that awful feeling that always eats at me that I could get in trouble at any minute for something I didn’t know I did wrong. I am edgy and nervous and experiencing that sinking feeling I get when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting smaller and smaller, further away.

I know that whenever I deal with my weight, I get low. Not being able to lose it makes me crazy. I just want to cut it all off and start over, but it isn’t that simple. At 48, I fight just to be a size 16. I was frustrated at not being smaller, but right now, I just want to get back to it. Icky, icky, icky! That’s how I feel today.

I know I should be content no matter what size I am, and if I have nothing to eat, I should be able to cope with that as well. Is it my impatience, that I want it NOW? I want to be at least 15 pounds lighter, and that will still leave me 30 pounds left to lose. My goals just seem so far away today, and the things I have in the pipeline, I am not looking forward to.

God, I ask You to help me get my perspective right, and that I have the rest of my life to lose this weight. Help me have more self-control when my husband and I eat together. Help me to see the blue sky that I know is hidden right behind the clouds. Help me be content in this state of fatness, but give me the power and longterm discipline to lose the weight.

In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

Penny Haynes

Lie #327: Being Skinny Makes Your Life Wonderful

Unbelievable! I was at the gym on the treadmill and saw a commercial for a diet pill that basically told you (through images) if you take the pill, you’ll look like these young, tiny half-clad girls, and end up with a gorgeous guy holding you close. And you’ll be loved, desired and happy!

Bahahahahahahahaha. At least they weren’t subtle about it. They came boldly and put it succinctly. If you are skinny, you will be happy and fulfilled. QUESTION: How many of you out there are skinny and still have depression, anxiety and/or fear?

It was a lie actually told to me by my father when I was high school. I believed I was doomed forever to be lonely and unloved. The media repeats this message ad nauseum. And even if we acknowledge that it is wrong, don’t many of us still somewhere deep inside fear it is true?

However, let’s show the facts.

  • You see beautiful celebrities having affairs and divorcing other beautiful people all the time. Their skinniness and beauty doesn’t save them from misery. (Ask Tiger Woods’ EX-wife.)
  • You see large women being pursued by and having relationships with more than one man. (Just watch Jerry Springer. Hehehehe. I had to add that one)
  • Did you know that many people who go through gastric bypass surgery end up as alcoholics? They are skinny, but their loss of fat hasn’t made them happy. That hit close to home with us when someone who had the procedure died in an alcohol-related car crash.
  • The lies sound so real. But they are STILL lies. You will not find lasting peace because you’ve dropped some dress sizes. You will not enjoy rest from your labors when the scale numbers decrease. You will only be able to be still and relax WHEN YOU ARE FREE FROM INTERNAL TURMOIL. And that normally just doesn’t disappear without a fight for your life and liberty and pursuit of happiness.

    As long as you believe the lie that your happiness lies in some improved conditions for your body, your finances, your relationships, etc., you won’t attempt to uncover the real causes for your distress. That’s why the lies are so devestating. They divert our attention and therefore keep us in miserable bondage.

    Its also much easier to blame our unhappiness on something like our looks. Why? Well, for one, it makes us feel like, if we work hard enough, we can work our way out of these feelings. We hate the idea that the cause of our depression may be beyond our physical, external control. If we acknowledge that it is something much deeper and more painful to deal with, it may overwhelm us.

    But that’s where friends, counselors, pastors and support groups come in. We are here to hold your hand while you delve into those deep dark places in your memory and your soul. Your bathroom scale won’t do that for you. But we will.

    So if you catch yourself believing that lie, make sure to remind yourself of the truths listed above (especially the Jerry Springer one!). Then work on facing your fears and anxieties one by one, because the only thing you need to “lose” is your sadness.

    Penny Haynes