Do I really want to go there?  That is the question that had been running through my head ever since God pinpointed what He wanted me to do.  I expected to be wracked with unbearable pain.  Why would God want me to go there?

Twila Paris has several songs that have always spoken to me.  One was written in response to the tragic death of her friend, Christian singer/songwriter Keith Green, and several of his children.  His pregnant wife, Melody, was left behind, with one of their young daughters.  Twila wrote this song for Melody, and it is called “Do I Trust You, Lord?”  The lyrics are below, and I’ve also posted a video (it is a medley, with another of my favorite songs played first, and a portion of Do I Trust You, Lord after that).

Sometimes my little heart can’t understand
What’s in Your will, what’s in Your plan
So many times I’m tempted to ask You why

But I can never forget it for long
Lord, what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And You’ve got to know, I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I’ve given them all
But suddenly now, I feel so small
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul

I know the doctrine and theology
But right now they don’t mean much to me
This time there’s only one thing I’ve got to know

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And You got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don’t know why
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die
I will trust You, Lord, when I’m blind with pain
You were God before and You’ll never change

I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord
I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord

I will trust You, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord

Written by Twila Paris • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group

The bottom line in every decision I make always boils down to this one question.  Do I trust You, Lord?  Even when I’m blind with pain?  Do I determine to trust your character, your goodness, loving kindness and mercy over whatever other doubts I may have about myself, others and even You?

So I decided that I would trust God, even with my most painful emotions.  I obeyed God and decided to allow myself to think through the thoughts that had devastated me.  I would feel the emotions that those thoughts evoked.  I would go there.

“No one wants me.  No one will ever want me.  No one will ever love me.  I will never experience that type of emotional intimacy that I have craved and others seem to have. I will be alone forever.”

I cried – a little trickle at first, and then a little stream, and then a decent downpour.  But it was nothing like what I was expecting. My heart hurt, but it wasn’t broken.  I was sad, but not overwhelmingly so.  I cried, but I did not sob. I processed it to the full extent, and it didn’t destroy me.  And this time, what didn’t kill me did make me stronger.

Now I was finally able to step back and look at the situation, the affair, the other man, my marriage, my husband, my expectations and myself realistically.  It was like the veil had been lifted, and the scales fell from my eyes.  I was free to move forward – with emotions.

In the next post, I will share what God showed me about the truth of the situation.  It wasn’t black or white or as simple as I had made it out to be, but much more complex, like real life actually is.   I take comfort in the fact that no lie can stand in the face of the truth when revealed to you by the Holy Spirit.  I fully expect God to do the same for you when you come face to face with what you have buried.

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. Say it out loud to yourself. “Do I trust You, Lord?”  Ask Him to show you, because the question isn’t really addressed to yourself, but to God.  In the end, you alone will have to make the decision to place in his hands whatever may happen if you “go there.”
2. “You have got to know I would rather die than to lose my faith in the One I love.”  You can only go as far with God as you are willing to trust Him to take you.  This is a pivotal point in your relationship with Him.  How much does your relationship with God mean to you right now?  Is He more important to you than making sure you “feel good”?