For every destructive desire and habit, there is a Life Pattern. What we keep doing doesn’t make sense to the adult mind because our idea of success is identifying a problem and making it go away. What we don’t realize is that is exactly what we are doing, and have been doing, since we were a child.
Maybe the best way to explain it is by saying that the adult in you is trying to deal with current life crises and challenges while the child in you is still simply trying to immediately block any negative stress-induced feelings. The Adult You wants to keep your cool and have an important discussion with your husband. The Child You wants to find the quickest way to eliminate the negative feelings that are surfacing because of your anxiety about talking to your husband. Dueling purposes are at play, with The Adult You pulling in one direction, and The Child You tugging in the opposite.
The Child You says, “I’m starting to feel nervous, and I don’t like it. I want those feelings to go away right now!”
The Adult You says, “Hush! I’m trying to think right now. I need to keep my voice calm, and choose my words carefully and listen to what he is saying in response.”
Child: “I don’t like this! I’m going to start jumping up and down inside of you until you make this stop!”
Adult (distractedly): “I’m sorry, honey. What did you just say? Yes, I’m paying attention, and what you are saying is very important to me.” Breathe.
Child: “Make it go away, now!”
Adult (edgy and fidgeting, voice starting to rise as husband isn’t understanding what you are trying to say): “But I don’t think you are following me, babe. Let me try to explain it to you another way…”
Child: “Just yell at him and get it over with! He’ll walk away and this entire thing will be over!”
Adult: “You just aren’t listening to me! We can never talk! It never gets us anywhere. I’m done!”
The Child achieves her goal and the Adult doesn’t solve her problem. Don’t underestimate your innate desire to just feel better.
One of Bill Cosby’s routines includes a story of a 4 year old having a tug of war with an 8 year old. The 4 year old is repeatedly shrieking in such a way that it feels like knives stabbing into the listener’s spine. The 8 year old just keeps saying over and over again, “But it’s MINE! Give it back to me!”
Cosby says that the adult will follow the sound of the shrieking, see what is going on, and smack the 8 year old, saying “Just let her have it!”. The 8 year old will say, “But that’s not fair; it’s mine!”. Cosby responds, “So! Life isn’t fair! She has stuff of mine, too! Just make that sound stop!”
The moral of Cosby’s story is this. Parents aren’t interested in fairness. They are interested in SILENCE. And when it comes to the Child in you, all it wants is to eliminate the stressful feelings that the current adult situation is causing it to feel. It doesn’t care what is fair; it wants NO STRESSFUL FEELINGS.
If you think about it, this does a lot to explain how many unproductive conversations we have had in our life. Part of us wants to resolve an issue, and part of us doesn’t. Take a guess which part usually wins. It takes a concerted effort to not give in to the Child, one that will require the intervention of the Holy Spirit’s power, but as long as you do not examine and deal with your Life Patterns, the Child will inevitably win.
RESET ASSIGNMENT:
- Think about the last confrontational discussion (argument) you had with someone. How did it go? Did you resolve the issue on both sides?
- Were you completely at ease and comfortable discussing things that might upset the other person? Or did you want it over as soon as possible? Did you consider just “not going there” and leaving it be?
- How did you physically feel anticipating the conversation, and then when you were having the conversation? What level of stress did it cause in your body?