So many emotions.  I used to play with them, fantasize about situations that would evoke different feelings.  Sometimes I would want to feel sad, so I would create sorrowful fantasies.  Sometimes I wanted to feel loved and desired, so I would fantasize about romantic situations.  I wasn’t afraid of my emotions. I just felt them with a passion. Until…

There came a day when I believed my greatest fear had been confirmed.  The long dreaded thought flashed across my mind, and I shoved it away.  NO.  I cannot go there.  I will not accept this.  I don’t want to look at it, or hear it, or think about it, and I definitely don’t want to feel the emotions it brings.  It feels like emotional DEATH.

So I, like so many other women, closed up emotional shop.  I decided I would rather feel nothing than feel the emotions related to that one horrible “truth”. The only problem was that all the emotions were strung together on the same line, so if I buried one, they would all have to go.  But that was all right with me – numbness would be a blessing compared to that “cut like a knife” searing pain I had experienced in that flash.

What I didn’t realize until lately is that I not only buried the emotions, I buried the “realization” as well.  It was dangerous to me. It could kill me.  So I hid it from myself and substituted a more logical and appropriate reason to get rid of my emotions.  “My emotions caused me to do stupid things, like have affairs.  They made me dissatisfied with my life, causing me to yearn for things and people I couldn’t have.  They made me miserable.”  Those were good reasons for denying my emotions and desires.

This left me to wander through life with paralyzing fear of my emotions.  I told myself that my emotions and desires would cause me to sin again, to embarrass myself and God, and those I loved.   They would cause pain and havoc as well.  I couldn’t be trusted with them, so they had to be hidden away.

I associated horrible, gut-wrenching pain with my emotions, as that was my experience with them the last time I allowed myself to fully feel them.  I felt horrible shame, hopelessness, depression, worthlessness and that I was unlovable.  Honestly, who wants to go there ever again?

So I had chosen nothing.  Nothing was calm, peaceful and safe. No risks here, no surprises.  No being blindsided by strong emotions.  Yep, I like this, well most of the time.  I kind of missed feeling very happy, and the high end of the spectrum.  But since I’m a conservative type of person, I was willing to give up the highs so I didn’t have to experience the lows.

Unfortunately, that made me cold and unresponsive emotionally to people, and, as I found out, to God as well. I had wondered why I felt so distant from God.  But as I later realized, how can you feel close to anyone if you won’t let yourself feel anything for them?

So this series is about how God moved me through the process of restoring my emotions.    If the description of my experience so far sounds like your story, then continue reading through this series and doing the assignments.  Don’t worry – you don’t have to do anything right this moment, or go whole hog at one time.  But if God has led you to this moment and this word for you right now, there is a very good chance that now is the time of God’s choosing.

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. Think back to the happiest day you can remember.  Can you remember a really happy day?  If so, see if you can relive those emotions and experience that joy.  If not, why do you think you cannot either find a happy memory, or cannot feel what you felt then.
2. Now think back to a very, very sorrowful day. Can you remember one?  Can you feel those same feelings as you did then?  If not, ask yourself why you can’t remember or feel it.