You probably came to this site because your life and/or your relationships are not what you want them to be, and you have a sneaking suspicion that you are doing something to cause this.  Well, congratulations, you are right – you have issues.  The good news is (if it is true that misery loves company) that everyone else has issues, too.

And everyone wants to be rid of those pesky external actions that are apparently ruining our lives.  And everyone wants to be rid of them right now. There’s just one little problem – your actions are not the problem.  Your brokenness, pain and inefficient Life Patterns are your problem.  Your symptoms are not going anywhere until the sickness is cured.

Sure, you can cover up the symptoms for a while, like taking over the counter medicine will stop a cough.  But your head is still pumping out mucus like lava flowing out of a volcano, and when the cough medicine wears off, there’s gonna be a whole lotta coughin’ going’ on.  Symptoms aren’t the problem – the sickness is the problem.

Now, here is where people make things even worse for themselves.  They get mad and frustrated that they still have the symptoms.  They feel shame that they still exhibit symptoms.  They are surprised when these symptoms apparently pop up out of nowhere after having been dormant for a while.

Now, how many of you would feel shame for having a high temperature when you know you have the flue?  None of you.  Why?  Because you expect to have a high temperature when you have the flue.

Then why do you feel shame when you smoke another cigarette when you know you haven’t been healed of the underlying hurts that spawned your cigarette addiction in the first place? Why do you feel self-loathing when you reach for another drink when you know you are still experiencing emotions from decades ago that trigger your drinking?  It is folly and self-deception to expect your coping mechanism to go away before you get rid of what you are still trying to cope with.

Eliminate the connection to old events and emotions that are causing you exaggerated stress and you won’t need any mechanisms for coping.  That is the only way you will be rid of your negative desires and behaviors.  So stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be “fixed”, because it is not going to happen immediately. Cut yourself some slack and accept the fact that your coping mechanisms aren’t going anywhere right now, and the best thing you can do is find temporary substitutes while you work through your issues.

The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception. Proverbs 14:8