The sameness of every day is really getting to me. One day looks so much like another that it makes it hard to find a reason to get out of bed. I have trouble remembering what day it is or caring what time it is. There is nothing to achieve that stirs my soul or gives me hope for excitement.
I should be quite happy, as I can do nothing all day. However, I hate doing nothing. I must achieve something of long term significance, or I am unhappy. I try to distract myself from my feelings by watching old tv shows on Netflix, but as soon as the show ends, I am back where I started. I’m sure it is not helping matters that I am on a strict fast, and cannot eat my way out of my feelings either.
What I seem to be hearing from God in my spirit when I read scriptures is that this is a time to finally learn how to find my life in Him, and not in other things, or even in myself. I keep reading scriptures about how I should find my joy in him, my life in him, and that he is my exceedingly great reward. However, I am so entrenched in my mindset, that I cannot see how I will ever learn this. All I have ever known is finding joy and self worth in action and achievement.
Doing nothing is like death to me, and yet that is what I seem to be forced to do now. My husband says that God is leading me by the still waters right now, as in Psalm 23. Obviously, I must be fighting against Him, because I don’t want to lay down. I’m being a very poor student right now, not wanting to hear or obey the teacher’s lessons.
Then this morning I read several scriptures that made me think. Elijah heard from the Lord that there would be 3 years without rain. God sent him to the brook out of which he would drink, and where he would receive food from the ravens. He had to stay by this brook to eat. It doesn’t say that he received any great word from the Lord during that time. He was isolated and alone, and did no mighty works. I am sure he was closer to God then I am, but I would have gone crazy.
It does not say how long he stayed there, but long enough for the brook to dry up. I would gather that he was glad when the Lord told him he was sending him to a widow woman next. Maybe he thought he was going back to civilization. I would have expected more food and more action. However, there was very little food, and the only action was the appearance of more food on a daily basis. There were no great revelations or accomplishments, only survival. To me, it did not look like much of an improvement over the brook situation.
Yet I know that Elijah remained faithful in his heart and attitude to the Lord during the drought. The result was God using him to raise the widow’s son from the dead. I doubt that Elijah expected that gift from God in response to his faithfulness, so that could not have been an inspiration to help him survive this long period of nothingness. He must truly have trusted Him, and remained faithful out of a desire for God’s presence and provision alone.
Why do I struggle against this? Why do I have such a hard time being still? Why do I want and expect more from God, and am unable to be happy with His provision? I guess, if he would make Elijah wait at the brook and wait with the widow, I can expect the same events (or lack of events) in my life as well.
God, please help me to focus on what You have provided, and Your presence, and give me the ability to be happy whatever my situation. Give me the stamina of Elijah, so I can wait out this drought with godly patience. Remind me to seek my comfort from You, and to remember that this too will pass eventually.
Penny Haynes
http://ChristianWomenWithDepression.com
Dear Penny,
I just received your post via email. It was very close to what I am feeling myself now. I also had just read the passage about Elijah. I am often troubled that as a Christian I do not experience joy. I have a good life but am often so unsettled. I’ve been in the same job for almost 30 years. I long for change but it doesn’t seem possible. I have irrational thoughts that I think most would think are crazy. Other times I am quite happy. But when I am depressed it feels hopeless and I don’t want to get out of bed, go to work, interact with people, etc. Thank you for your post and for someone to relate to. I am joining your Facebook community and hope to find others to relate with and hopefully encourage also. Lorie
Lorie, thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this. I am finding playing music helps me some when I am down, but I know it is just a temporary mask for how I feel. I feel I have no real reason to feel this way, especially compared to what others go through, but the truth is that I do just the same.
I had another trigger today and my husband encouraged me to talk about what was bothering me. The bottom line is that I’m afraid God is done with me, and that’s why there is nothing for me to do. I know that is irrational to think that at 48 God is done with me, but if I go by what I see and not the Word of God, it is easy for me to believe.
Please do join the FB group so we can talk more often.
Dear Penny,
Thank you for being so honest and transparent about your struggles with depression. I really could identify with a lot of your struggles. For as long as I can remember I have looked to my job/others for my self-worth. I have recently become an empty nester, so can’t find my self worth in daily parenting. I have a fairly new job, and can no longer find my self-worth there because my manager and co-workers are highly critical and I thrive on regular encouragement. What I once looked to for my self-worth has dried up. Needless to say, I am going through another period of depression, lack of motivation and lack of much joy. I too, need to let Christ be my everything. But that is so hard. Thank you so much for a place for Christian women with depression to find support and encouragement.
Shawn, thanks for letting me know I am not alone. Making God the source of my being and my joy is just very hard after having set my self-worth by my actions and others validating those actions. I am about to be an empty nester, too, but my daughter has been very self-sufficient for the past year, and I don’t see her much anyway. She doesn’t need me much. I am praying and asking God to help me release some issues I have not been able to release, things where I feel I have failed. I have to find a way to convince myself that I didn’t fail in that situation (as my husband has pointed out), but until I internalize that, I feel icky inside.
It doesn’t help that I am doing everything I can to lose weight, including working out for an hour five days a week, and cutting out all meat, dairy and grain, and still the scale doesn’t budge. Talk about FRUSTRATING, and feeling like I am just spinning my wheels and not accomplishing ANYTHING! Even though God keeps reminding me that this strict 30 day fast is not about weight, I still want to see SOMETHING for my efforts with my natural eyes.
Sometimes I think I am never going to get a real relationship with God right – I just feel so screwed up. My only condolence is that God gives brownie points simply for enduring. I’m going to do a post on that soon. Just keeping on going is valuable in God’s eyes – he calls it endurance, and prizes it. So that’s all I can do – ask for His grace and mercy, and as Oswald Chambers says, “believe God and do the next thing”. I just have to figure out what the “next” thing is! 🙂