The sameness of every day is really getting to me. One day looks so much like another that it makes it hard to find a reason to get out of bed. I have trouble remembering what day it is or caring what time it is. There is nothing to achieve that stirs my soul or gives me hope for excitement.
I should be quite happy, as I can do nothing all day. However, I hate doing nothing. I must achieve something of long term significance, or I am unhappy. I try to distract myself from my feelings by watching old tv shows on Netflix, but as soon as the show ends, I am back where I started. I’m sure it is not helping matters that I am on a strict fast, and cannot eat my way out of my feelings either.
What I seem to be hearing from God in my spirit when I read scriptures is that this is a time to finally learn how to find my life in Him, and not in other things, or even in myself. I keep reading scriptures about how I should find my joy in him, my life in him, and that he is my exceedingly great reward. However, I am so entrenched in my mindset, that I cannot see how I will ever learn this. All I have ever known is finding joy and self worth in action and achievement.
Doing nothing is like death to me, and yet that is what I seem to be forced to do now. My husband says that God is leading me by the still waters right now, as in Psalm 23. Obviously, I must be fighting against Him, because I don’t want to lay down. I’m being a very poor student right now, not wanting to hear or obey the teacher’s lessons.
Then this morning I read several scriptures that made me think. Elijah heard from the Lord that there would be 3 years without rain. God sent him to the brook out of which he would drink, and where he would receive food from the ravens. He had to stay by this brook to eat. It doesn’t say that he received any great word from the Lord during that time. He was isolated and alone, and did no mighty works. I am sure he was closer to God then I am, but I would have gone crazy.
It does not say how long he stayed there, but long enough for the brook to dry up. I would gather that he was glad when the Lord told him he was sending him to a widow woman next. Maybe he thought he was going back to civilization. I would have expected more food and more action. However, there was very little food, and the only action was the appearance of more food on a daily basis. There were no great revelations or accomplishments, only survival. To me, it did not look like much of an improvement over the brook situation.
Yet I know that Elijah remained faithful in his heart and attitude to the Lord during the drought. The result was God using him to raise the widow’s son from the dead. I doubt that Elijah expected that gift from God in response to his faithfulness, so that could not have been an inspiration to help him survive this long period of nothingness. He must truly have trusted Him, and remained faithful out of a desire for God’s presence and provision alone.
Why do I struggle against this? Why do I have such a hard time being still? Why do I want and expect more from God, and am unable to be happy with His provision? I guess, if he would make Elijah wait at the brook and wait with the widow, I can expect the same events (or lack of events) in my life as well.
God, please help me to focus on what You have provided, and Your presence, and give me the ability to be happy whatever my situation. Give me the stamina of Elijah, so I can wait out this drought with godly patience. Remind me to seek my comfort from You, and to remember that this too will pass eventually.