The next thing to look for in the ECHO process is:

H – Helplessness

• There is nothing so frightening, so paralyzing, as feeling helpless.  This goes right along with DK – “don’t know” what to do, or can’t do anything.  Feelings of helplessness are very, very important, because it can skew how you think and feel about the world, others and yourself.

  With my bullying, it made me a very angry, defensive person, who would make sure those girls who used to bully me (and still might try to be ugly to me) knew that I didn’t give a flying rip about them, and that I detested them.  I hated pretty girls on sight, because they reminded me of these popular jerky girls.  Feeling helpless also added to my distrust of people in authority, thinking they would just stand by and let me be bullied.

  It also affected my view of myself. I must be the fattest, ugliest girl here for them to treat me this way.  Add that to the fact that other people had made comments that made me feel fat, ugly and undesirable, and that tanked my self-esteem.  I would always look this way, so I would always be treated this way, so I started getting depressed as early as 12.

• In what areas did the participant feel helpless?  Were they physically, emotionally or mentally incapable of responding?  Mirroring this is important because it can be a close to the surface button that can easily be pushed by something current in their life.  Repeat how they feel and let them try to connect it to any current life events to which they are overreacting.
• Why were they helpless to respond?  Were they truly helpless, meaning to young or weak to do anything?  Or did they tell themselves that they were helpless, but actually could have done something.   There may be truth in there that they are avoiding by only remembering the helplessness.
• Who should have responded to their helplessness?  If they truly should have been rescued from the situation, who should that rescuer have been?  Is there recognition of that person’s unfulfilled responsibility?  Or are they submerging their anger at that person and possibly even redirecting it at someone else?  Anger turned inward causes depression.

  I can’t tell you how many women who have been abused by their father who can’t express anger toward their father, but have a boat load of anger toward their mothers.  Beside the fact that they just can’t face the fact that their father was unable to love them in a healthy way, and haven’t been able to relive the pain of the betrayal of their trust and his responsibility to protect them, they are angry at their mother for not doing something about it (even if they never told their mother).

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. Think back to a time when you felt completely helpless.  Describe that situation to the best of your ability.  Who are you angry at and why?  Are you angry at the person who caused the situation?  If not, why?
2. How do you feel about how you handled that helpless situation?  Does it make you feel better about yourself or worse?  How has that situation helped to shape your view of yourself, others and the world in general?