In the ECHO method, other types of comments you want to look for in the speaker’s narration have to do with:

C – Confusion and Contradictions

• Stress comes from things we encounter that are new and unknown to us, and/or we do not know how to deal with them.  This causes mass confusion about what to do next, and causes us to stall out mentally.  Often, we need someone else to lead us out of the maze of confusion in which we have imprisoned ourselves.  Think of a child walking into a classroom for the first time, never having experienced that type of atmosphere or any of those people before. I love schools who allow a “meet your teacher and see your class” night before school starts, so there is at least a point of reference for the child (and parent). That one event reduces the stress because it takes something unknown (the first day of school) and helps to make it familiar before everyone shows up.
• Look for the two most important words in this step – “don’t know” (dk).  If the person doesn’t or didn’t know what to do about the event that happened, this is a sign that this is a major issue and must be explored.  Don’t know freezes us in our tracks and stops us from changing our patterns.   Creating a goal, even if it is to determine to figure out what to do, can reduce the overwhelming stress of a dk enough to work on a plan to deal with the issue.
• One of the reasons for confusion is that the person sharing is double-minded.  They believe two diametrically opposed things, and their inability to reconcile or choose between the two is wearing them out.  Most of the time, they don’t even know what the competing truth is – it is lodged in the unconscious, but still affecting their attitudes and actions. Look for phrases revealing that the participant holds simultaneous opposing beliefs about what happened, or the meaning of what happened.

  One set of contradictions I hear from a lot of women is “my mother didn’t love me” set up against “but a mother is supposed to love her child”.  This has tormented so many women for so many years.  The belief that a mother is always supposed to be able to love her child in the way the child needs doesn’t take into account the reality that a lot of mothers are very broken, and just didn’t have the ability to put you first as a child (and may not be able to when you are an adult either) – they were too busy trying to take care of themselves and their own pain.

• Look for statements that are contradictory to reality.  By this, we mean that what they say happened, or the meaning they derived from the event, may not be true as an adult would see and perceive it.  This is not to say that the event didn’t happen, but our memories do play tricks on us, our minds fill in the blanks, and exaggerations or mistakes can be made in the replay of the event.

  One thing comes to mind in my own life. I have this memory that my teachers should have done something about the bullying that was done to me during school.  But when I really look back, I’m sure the teachers didn’t see it – they couldn’t have been everywhere at all times.  So I held a grudge against teachers, reinforcing my preconceived idea that people in authority will never rescue me, only hurt me.  But that was not a statement based in reality.  My mind filled in the blanks to make what I believed true.

• Pay particular attention to “should” statements (I/They should have done ____) that reveal the belief that someone should have done something that they were most likely incapable of performing at that time.  Unrealistic expectations of things you didn’t (and probably couldn’t) do during or in response to an event leave a person feeling like a failure, or like they did something wrong.  A child couldn’t have stopped their larger father from injuring their mother – they would not be physically capable of that.

RESET ASSIGNMENT:

1. Think back to a time when you were so confused that it paralyzed you.  You just didn’t know what to do, and your brain shut down.  Most likely, later, you came up with some type of response that allowed you to calm down a little.   Just providing someone with a few insights can help that person move from frozen to freed up.
2. Do you have any contradictory beliefs in your life?  On one hand, do you talk about all of the good things in life you believe you deserve, only to talk a little later about how you just don’t feel like you’ll ever be good enough for someone, or how you feel like a failure?  Ask God to reveal to you your double-mindedness in any areas.