I help Christians heal from the pain of their past so they can live in peace and joy in the present. › Forums › Introduction to Life Patterns › Lesson 4 – Life Pattern Responses
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October 19, 2017 at 10:05 am #8291pennyshaynesKeymaster
Enter your RESET ASSIGNMENT answers below.
October 27, 2017 at 7:22 pm #8472amgillmanParticipant1. When I encounter a really stressful situation or an argument I completely shut down.
2. My parents were always fighting and I grew up in a very chaotic environment. I was constantly punished and emotionally abused, especially by my mother. As far back as I can remember I performed this behavior and tried to avoid confrontation or put it out of my mind.
3. It was an avoidance mechanism. It’s as if I couldn’t handle the very strong negative feelings that came as a result of what was going on around me or towards me so I tried so hard to just not feel at all.
October 29, 2017 at 9:26 pm #8480pennyshaynesKeymasterExcellent, Alyssa. So when you shut down, what was the response from your parents? Did they leave you alone? Did it solve the problem? In other words, did it ever actually help the situation?
When you use that mechanism now, does it solve any problems? If so, how?
October 29, 2017 at 11:08 pm #8483amgillmanParticipantWhen my mom would yell at me shutting down would allow her to vent and then eventually the yelling would stop. My mom would feel in control and be satisfied enough to leave me alone. If I yelled back it would have been way worse for me. It solved my immediate problem as a child. I needed the yelling to stop and my reaction would accomplish that.
I noticed I do this when my husband brought it up. He said that sometimes it would be nice if I actually fought back instead of just walking away. So I guess now in my adulthood it doesn’t accomplish anything real long term. In the moment though, my anxiety is lower when I can avoid that high confrontation situation.
October 30, 2017 at 11:23 am #8485pennyshaynesKeymasterGood. That’s what this exercise is intended to help you recognize. You can see where this coping mechanism helped just to avoid the high anxiety of the moment, but was unsuccessful to solve any other issue.
As an adult, especially in marriage, your focus will need to move from simply eliminating your stress to resolving the actual problem you are facing. But in order to stop the knee jerk reaction, you will need to do the next steps in the RESET process to resolve the emotionally charged memory of your mom yelling at you.
Every time you feel the same stressful emotions in your body as an adult that you felt as a child, you immediately regress to being yelled at by your mom and doing what you always did. If you resolve the emotion in the memory, then current situations will not trigger your old coping mechanism. Then you can use your stress reduction exercises (breathing, happy place) to keep your brain in problem solving mode and resolve the actual issues in front of you.
A good example of this would be putting into the dryer, along with other clothing, a shoe with velcro on it – except the strap is not closed. The hook side of the velcro is open, so when you take the shoe out of the dryer, you find other clothes stuck to it. Passing clothes catch on it.
Our unresolved, emotionally charged memories are the hook side of the open velcro. When other events in our life with similar emotional and physical feelings arise, they catch on the velcro of that unresolved emotion and yank on it, pulling it back to the original emotional event.
When you close the velcro strap by attaching it to the loop side, no clothing in the dryer can get stuck to it. When you resolve an emotionally charged memory, present day feelings don’t get stuck to it and yank on it. They just pass by – you feel the emotion and deal with the emotion without being yanked back to the past and performing your knee jerk reaction.
Does that help?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by pennyshaynes.
October 29, 2022 at 12:09 pm #49511Sara SydnamParticipant1 I shut down in emotional situations or want to avoid them.
2 My mother would get angry and shout at me or at my father and I wouldn’t know how to deal with these emotions.
My first husband would just walk out if we had an argument and refuse to talk about it after, leaving me to brood about the situation without resolving.
In my next relationship he would shout at me and when I would try to answer back he would shout louder and accuse me of shouting which would shut me up. My present husband and I never argue – we don’t talk about difficult subjects and I stuff things down and get depressed/resentful. We recently really talked and he had a father who wouldn’t allow him to express emotions. It seems that I chose emotionally unavailable men.October 29, 2022 at 1:45 pm #49516pennyshaynesKeymasterSara, excellent realizations.
What is realistically the worst thing that would happen to you if you do not avoid, but are completely honest about how you feel and what you think and want?
It doesn’t mean you will get everything you want, because marriage is always a compromise, but what is the worst thing that will happen?
October 29, 2022 at 4:04 pm #49525Sara SydnamParticipantI have tried a few times. I guess I have to remind him in a loving kind of way that I’d really like to spend time with him watching a movie or going for a walk. The worst is that he could say no and instead of getting hurt I could watch a movie myself and shrug it off that he is slightly in the spectrum and gets a bit over focused.
Beats feeling sorry for myself. I can give him a kiss and say maybe later with a smile -
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