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1Ti 6:6-8
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain: 7 for we brought nothing into the world, for neither can we carry anything out; 8 but having food and covering we shall be therewith content.

Phi 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therein to be content. 12 I know how to be abased, and I know also how to abound: in everything and in all things have I learned the secret both to be filled and to be hungry, both to abound and to be in want. 13 I can do all things in him that strengtheneth me.

It is a gray day today, a day when I finally had the guts to step on the scale and see what 3 weeks of binging on the weekends has done to me. My hard fought for size 16s are getting too right, and I don’t want to have to buy bigger clothes again. My knees are hurting, but I need to go to the gym to get this lately added weight off, since I am afraid to go and swim in the lake after my snake scare.

It is very hard to be content today, when I feel bloated and fat, and I know I must pay for my food sins with eating only raw vegetable and exercising on knees that hurt. I have that awful feeling that always eats at me that I could get in trouble at any minute for something I didn’t know I did wrong. I am edgy and nervous and experiencing that sinking feeling I get when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting smaller and smaller, further away.

I know that whenever I deal with my weight, I get low. Not being able to lose it makes me crazy. I just want to cut it all off and start over, but it isn’t that simple. At 48, I fight just to be a size 16. I was frustrated at not being smaller, but right now, I just want to get back to it. Icky, icky, icky! That’s how I feel today.

I know I should be content no matter what size I am, and if I have nothing to eat, I should be able to cope with that as well. Is it my impatience, that I want it NOW? I want to be at least 15 pounds lighter, and that will still leave me 30 pounds left to lose. My goals just seem so far away today, and the things I have in the pipeline, I am not looking forward to.

God, I ask You to help me get my perspective right, and that I have the rest of my life to lose this weight. Help me have more self-control when my husband and I eat together. Help me to see the blue sky that I know is hidden right behind the clouds. Help me be content in this state of fatness, but give me the power and longterm discipline to lose the weight.

In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

Penny Haynes
http://ChristianWomenWithDepression.com

Post Author: pennyshaynes

5 Replies to “I Am Not Content – I Am Fat”

  1. I know this entry was a while back but I just read it and I felt the need to comment.

    I am a christian struggling and in recovery for Anorexia Nervosa and anxiety. I just wanted to let you know that you are BEAUTIFUL. I know you may not believe it but it is true. God created you in His Image. The world just distorts this true beauty for thinness (to the point were it is unhealthy). God loves you and you have incredible worth because of that. He will never stop loving you – please don’t forget that.

    Although I struggle with a different kind of eating issue… I understand what it is like to feel ashamed about what you eat and weigh. And the type of eating does not really matter – we use it as a means to cope, to feel in control and/or to control our mood. And it’s hard.

    I hope you understand that binging is not a lack of self-control. If you go on a diet and end up binge eating, it is not you that failed the diet. It’s the diet that failed you. I am really sorry that this is happening to you. And I will pray for you, sister.

    You don’t have to follow my advice but I would recommend that if you have the energy you could put sticky notes on your mirror. They could say things like “I am beautiful,” or “I am smart.” ect (If you can’t think of anything ask someone, usually we overlook our good qualities). And write down reasons why you are smart, beautiful ect so that you remember that when you have a bad day. Try reading the sticky notes out loud every day. Also if you want you could try reading Psalm 139:14. I am saying all of this because I want to affirm your worth. Again this may not work for you but know that I will be praying for you. God loves you, you have incredible value, don’t give up, stay strong.

  2. Thank you so much for putting into words a struggle i share, i am growing to love the lord so much, but the issue of weight pulls me back. i keep thinking i will be more beautiful if i could just lose these 15 kgs(thats about 30 pounds), i know it is wrong to think this way because this kind of thinking does not glorify God, and it buys into the worldly idea that somehow i am more important if people think i am beautiful instead of placing my worth in Christ alone. yet even knowing this, i still struggle with a desire to be thin that sometimes eclipses the desire to spend time with God. i spend countless minutes on the net researching new diets, and while i am not overly big, i am constantly swinging from one end of the scale to the other, i want to be saved from this, it has tormented me for fifteen years, since i was twelve.i want to wake up every morning with joy and anticipation to serve the Lord, i want to look in the mirror and see the banner of love that he has placed on me, not the mantle of guilt and self-loathing i put on myself every time i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror when i am dressing in the morning. Christ says that he came so that i may have life in abundance, this is not life in abundance , this is a miserly existence wrought by lies that have been told to me since i was little. So Dear lord, i come to you, exhausted and at the end of myself, and i ask that you make my Joy complete in you. remember too all my sisters, who i love without having met, who are going through the same thing, i pray Lord that you cause your truth to pierce through the darkness, and cause them all to see what you see when you look at us. let their joy in you be made complete, even as you give victory in this area of their lives, in Christ i pray and believe. Amen.
    i love you all, my sisters in christ, i hope to hear your report of God’s faithfulness, if not here,then with all joy when we finally go to meet him. remain in His light.

    1. Annie, thanks so much for sharing your story. It has been a very long haul for me, but for the first time in my half a century of life, I am finally getting a balanced view of myself. But your story sounds just like mine – only throw in an eating disorder that would swing from binging to starving and purging with exercise. However, not until I dealt with the REASONS why being thin is so important to me did I finally start to untangle this web of lies I have believed, and surrender control to God, and finally find a balance in my eating. Please join us on the Facebook Group called Christian Women With Depression. You will find many others who feel the same way. God bless you, and thank you for taking the time to share with me.

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