I Am Not Content – I Am Fat

1Ti 6:6-8
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain: 7 for we brought nothing into the world, for neither can we carry anything out; 8 but having food and covering we shall be therewith content.

Phi 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therein to be content. 12 I know how to be abased, and I know also how to abound: in everything and in all things have I learned the secret both to be filled and to be hungry, both to abound and to be in want. 13 I can do all things in him that strengtheneth me.

It is a gray day today, a day when I finally had the guts to step on the scale and see what 3 weeks of binging on the weekends has done to me. My hard fought for size 16s are getting too right, and I don’t want to have to buy bigger clothes again. My knees are hurting, but I need to go to the gym to get this lately added weight off, since I am afraid to go and swim in the lake after my snake scare.

It is very hard to be content today, when I feel bloated and fat, and I know I must pay for my food sins with eating only raw vegetable and exercising on knees that hurt. I have that awful feeling that always eats at me that I could get in trouble at any minute for something I didn’t know I did wrong. I am edgy and nervous and experiencing that sinking feeling I get when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting smaller and smaller, further away.

I know that whenever I deal with my weight, I get low. Not being able to lose it makes me crazy. I just want to cut it all off and start over, but it isn’t that simple. At 48, I fight just to be a size 16. I was frustrated at not being smaller, but right now, I just want to get back to it. Icky, icky, icky! That’s how I feel today.

I know I should be content no matter what size I am, and if I have nothing to eat, I should be able to cope with that as well. Is it my impatience, that I want it NOW? I want to be at least 15 pounds lighter, and that will still leave me 30 pounds left to lose. My goals just seem so far away today, and the things I have in the pipeline, I am not looking forward to.

God, I ask You to help me get my perspective right, and that I have the rest of my life to lose this weight. Help me have more self-control when my husband and I eat together. Help me to see the blue sky that I know is hidden right behind the clouds. Help me be content in this state of fatness, but give me the power and longterm discipline to lose the weight.

In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

Penny Haynes