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I woke up this morning with a bout of sadness and self-pity. My husband had made plans to go fishing with a friend and never bothered to even tell me. Not that he and I ever do anything together, but it just made me feel that much more hopelessly and endlessly alone. I had a pity party because I had no friends to do anything with me. I just cried and cried in my bathroom.

Then I tried to follow my own advice. “Is God good?” Yes, He is good, which means that He still has a good purpose and plan for my life. Therefore, today is just an uncomfortable hole in the road for me, not my resting place. The heart-wrenching fear that every day will be like this, that leads to debilitating hopelessness that can bring on full blown depression, cannot grasp me in it’s grip as long as I keep long distance perspective. The fact that this day APPEARS like it will never end, and that time is standing still, does not mean that it is the truth. This day too will pass, and tomorrow is another opportunity to experience God’s goodness in another way.  

The hard part is that I’m used to wanting that goodness to manifest itself in some way that will satisfy my carnal nature. I want to feel happy in my flesh. Here it is, 80 degrees with a light breeze and a beautiful sunny day, and I am still not happy. I’m tormented by what I don’t have instead of being able to enjoy what I do have this day, which is a friend or group of people to whom I can feel like I belong and am welcomed, who want my company.  

Still, I made the conscious decision to make myself a lunch with food on my fast, sit by the pond in our front yard with my bathing suit on, and study scripture and my Bible college lesson. I don’t physically feel happy, but I don’t feel bad either. I can get through this day and survive to live another because God is good, and this is just a stop along the way in His plan to prosper me and give me a good future. My flesh is just detoxing from me withholding food and other activities to drown out my feelings, but I guess that is the reason for this fast.

  Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find people to be around and do something with me. Maybe tomorrow God will reveal something to me about His purpose for my life. Hopelessness is just the stupid belief that every day will be like today, but we all know that nothing ever stays completely the same. I have to keep believing that tomorrow will be better than today in some way, and that He will one day give me the desires of my heart, to do something of purpose for His kingdom, and to be surrounded with people who love me and want to be around me as my friends.

Penny Haynes
http://ChristianWomenWithDepression.com

Post Author: pennyshaynes

4 Replies to “Taking My Own Advice”

  1. “the heart wrenching fear that everyday will be this way” THAT is a feeling I can relate to. What a post, :o( in one way sad, I can relate completely, and another comforting that someone else feels this way. Where do you live? :o) I know you can’t say, but I really want to give you a hug and tell you it WILL be ok. Have been there (yesterday), will go there again (I have to be prepared)Thank you so very much for your HONEST feelings & your blog. You are healing & taking hurting people with you! You are in my prayers Penny :O) Terri

  2. Thanks so much, Terri. I live in Georgia, above Atlanta. And it helps me to know my posting my honest struggles is helping someone else. I’ll take that virtual hug, and maybe one day we will meet in person and I’ll get a real one. 🙂

  3. Thanks Penny. I’m writing this from my bed having taken a mental health day because yesterday was a scary moment for me. As soon as I walked out of church I felt overwhelming sadness. I cried all day and didnt know why. Well I did, it was the usual sadness over the things I desire & lonliness, but I’m not sure what triggered such an emotional response. It was so strong & i felt so out of control that i thought maybe it is time to consider medication. I was opposed to it the first time my therapist recommended it but now I don’t know. I prayed and honestly that didn’t help. I went to yoga and that helped a little but I still couldn’t shake my sadness so I went to bed early. I woke up this morning not feeling bad but not feeling good either. After clearing my day to clear my head, I googled “depression, Christian” and your blog came up. I know this is an answer to my prayer. When I read the post about Jesus knowing depression, I wasn’t comforted until I got to the end. It didn’t help to be reminded that He too suffered like this but when you reminded me that because of that He doesn’t judge my questioning and that my feelings aren’t shameful, that helped a lot. So thank you for sharing. I really needed to hear that God doesn’t just understand but He’s also compassionate.

  4. Dear thankful friend, thank you so much for taking the time to share your situation and how this blog has helped you. There is no shame in taking medicine. I’ve been on Zoloft twice in my life, and it was a godsend for me. It made all the difference. If you decide that you would like to talk more, I invite you to join our private Facebook group, also called Christian Women With Depression. You can share in a safe environment with others who know how you feel and will encourage you, so you don’t feel so alone.

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