Sometimes I just need to be nice to myself. I need to treat myself like I would treat my daughter. I’ve always liked to do things for my daughter, buy nice things for her (if I could afford it), build her up and make her feel good about herself. I need to do the same things for myself.
Today I bit the bullet and bought some very light shirts I could wear alone, or over tank tops, to work – because I am always so hot, and it is 94 degrees here. I had to push myself to do it, and wouldn’t let myself spend much money. Three $9 shirts at Walmart I could do, and a $12.50 shirt and $15.00 coverup online I could so. I AGONIZED, however, over the $27.00 cover. It’s not that I don’t have the money now, it’s that I truly feel I DON’T DESERVE IT.
I don’t believe I deserve any nice clothes until I’m thin. Period. And I can’t seem to change that outlook. I see other overweight women, and they dress up nicely. I don’t know how they do it. Doesn’t it bother them that they are overweight? I marvel at them, and how they just go right on through life not being bothered by their weight. They have the audacity to just keep on going, and dressing nice as well. This is a mystery to me.
I wish I was one of those women. I want to look nicer, but I feel like people would say, “Who is she fooling? No matter what she wears, she is still fat!”. But I know that is just ME saying that, projecting it onto other people.
I think Queen Latifah is BEAUTIFUL. Why can’t I act and feel beautiful, too? What is messing up my mind so badly? Is it comments and actions from my past (family members saying what a shame, and boys either making fun of me or simply ignoring me) that I am replaying, or are these just my own thoughts and beliefs?
I don’t know what to do about it. I know I am giving in to the lies of the enemy, as well as the media’s shameless demand that everyone be just short of emaciated, but I can’t see beyond my WIDTH. I don’t have any answers today – just sharing how I am feeling. I’ll let you know if dressing nicer makes me feel any better…
Penny Haynes