Just relax. Yeah. If ony I could. I am not sure I even remember what relaxing feels like. Even when I’m watching a movie, I’m on edge, because in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about the things I’m afraid of.
I had one moment the other morning when I had complete and total peace – no anxiety at all. God told me to imagine what it would feel like if I had a million dollars in the bank, and all my bills were paid. I looked out my window and imagined it. I felt SUCH relief.
Then I wondered how it would feel with $100,000 in the bank and all bills paid off. That was JUST as relaxing. I didn’t need a million dollars to be at peace – just 100 grand!
Then I heard God say, “You know, I own a million dollars. I own the cattle on a thousand hills. And everything I have is yours. I will take care of you.” How many of you have heard people say they would take care of you, but you didn’t believe them? I have trouble trusting other people to take care of me.
I not only feel the pressure of taking care of myself, but also the NECESSITY of continuing thinking about it. I constantly remind myself that I need to keep making money while I can, because at any time I could lose that income and then we’ll have nothing. Even if I’ve worked hard, it’s never enough.
I have gotten it into my head that my security is in my own hands, and I’m not very confident of those hands. So there is this continual torment of feeling the need to work all the time without the satisfaction that I am actually achieving the security I appear to crave.
Although I KNOW that God is in control, and that I honestly have very little control over all that could happen in my life, the fear drives me crazy. My shoulders are always raised and stiff, my stomach tight. I can’t even enjoy recreational times.
I just can’t currently rest in His peace – because I’m not trusting in him. I’m the opposite of the scripture “You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is staid on thee, because he trusts in thee.”
But sometimes I remember God also saying to me, “If you feel better believing that there is $100,000 in a bank and that you can draw that money out whenever you require it, why not think about me holding that $100,000 for you, and I will give it out to you as you need it? Can you have peace then?”
Good question, God. At the rate I have succumbed to this stupid fear and have let it take over my waking (and sometimes sleeping) life, I am wondering if I am capable of peace again? How did I let it get this way? I didn’t previously worry about this. But then again, both my husband and I have never been without a steady job before. It’s testing my faith as never before.
So I ask you to pray for me as I face this fear head on and ask God to release me from this agony. And I ask that you share with me what fears you face and how you deal with them. As the Body of Christ, I am hoping that we can hold each other up and hold it together, and live a life that is honorable and glorifying to God.